Not from Virginia (yet).  But I’m moving the blog, from WordPress to my very own home!

So update your Readers, and meet me over at http://www.watchingthewaters.com

See you there!

So please, do not go throwing Easter eggs, y’all.

I’m fragile.

Fra-GEE-lay.

My children think I am The Meanest Mom in America.

Which, you know, normally does not bother me.  Because I’m kind of cool with that.  But at the moment, the reason they think I’m The Meanest Mom in America has to do with Easter egg hunts.

They’ve never been to one, and they really, really want to go.

I hate Easter egg hunts.

Hate ‘em.

a) Easter is pretty much The Biggest Day Ever for Christians, IMHO.  Bigger than Christmas, even!  SUPER Holy!  SPECIAL day!  That has zero to do with Easter bunnies, egg hunts, chocolates, money, baskets, blah-de-blah-de-blah.  (And yes, we put up a Christmas tree.  But no, we don’t do Santa.  And our kids get 3 presents, just like Jesus got.)

b) Gazillion kids hopped up on sugar and adrenaline!  Mass chaos!  Screaming!  Knocking other kids over!  Crying!  Taking eggs away from other kids!  He has more eggs than me!  It’s not fair!!  (Seriously.. to me, an Easter Egg Hunt is like Hell on a Stick.  I cannot imagine anything worse.  Call me a party pooper, but tell me if I’m wrong..)

c) I don’t understand why churches sponsor Easter egg hunts.  Is it a trick?  Like “Let’s lure them in the door with chocolate and eggs and then we’re gonna slip some Jesus into their drink?”  Or is it supposed to be a valid celebration of Easter?  I’m afraid if I take my kids on Saturday, I’m going to be standing around worrying that Jesus is gonna show up and be PISSED.. like, “I rose from the dead for THIS?” You know?  There’d be some baaaad ju-ju.

So, what do you think?  Am I overthinking this?  What do you do for Easter?

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I did not realize that as I was typing those very words, I was not thinking before I was doing something.

Dang it.  I hate it when that happens.

I read Reverend Rebecca Turner’s 40 Days of Prayer to Keep Abortion Safe and Legal back in mid-March and I thought they were awesome.  Around that same time, I had written the 500th post (about gay marriage) and had a polarizing reaction from a close friend of mine.  I was frustrated, because he wanted to discuss the issue, and I refused.  I knew that he was not going to change his position, and that I was not either, and that if we got into it, that it was possible we could lose our friendship.  (You’d never believe this, but I can be a bit of a passionate hothead.)  My husband and I (mostly my level-headed husband) had a discussion about how people get so polarized on hot-button issues that they forget that they have more in common than the things they disagree about.

This is how the idea for the abortion post was born.

However.

On the way to the great discussion that ensued, I totally screwed up.

1) I used Reverend Turner’s prayers without permission.

2) I violated copyright.

3) I did not give Reverend Turner proper credit as the author of her work.

4) I changed Reverend Turner’s work without her permission.

Whether I did these things with good intentions or not is irrelevant.  I was wrong.  I have apologized to Reverend Turner for my misconduct, and am reposting (with permission) her original work in its entirety below.  You can learn more about the efforts of Faith Aloud by clicking this link.

40 Days of Prayer to Keep Abortion Safe and Legal

By Reverend Rebecca Turner of Faith Aloud

Day 1: Today we pray for women for whom pregnancy is not good news, that they know they have choices.
Day 2: Today we pray for compassionate religious voices to speak out for the dignity and autonomy of women.
Day 3: Today we pray for our daughters and granddaughters, that they will always know the power of making their own good decisions.
Day 4: Today we give thanks for the doctors who provide quality abortion care, and pray that they may be kept safe.
Day 5: Today we pray for medical students who want to include abortion care in their practice. May they receive good training and find good mentors.
Day 6: Today we ask for blessings upon the women who pass through hostile protesters on their way into an abortion clinic. May they be shielded from physical and emotional harm from those who do not know them.
Day 7: Today we pray for the 45 million American women who have had safe, legal abortions. May they stand tall and refuse shame.
Day 8: Today we pray for elected officials, that they may always support a woman’s right to make her own medical decisions.
Day 9: Today we pray for women who are afraid of their lovers. May they find the confidence to turn away from abuse and take care of themselves.
Day 10: Today we pray for women who were joyfully expecting a child, but have learned that the pregnancy is not sustainable.
Day 11: Today we pray for better access to all forms of birth control.
Day 12: Today we pray that women know the power of their own stories. May they find their voices and tell their truths.
Day 13: Today we pray for the men in our lives, that they may offer their loving kindness and support for women’s difficult decisions.
Day 14: Today we pray for Christians everywhere to embrace the loving model of Jesus in the way he refused to shame women.
Day 15: Today we pray for parents whose teen daughters are pregnant. May they help their daughters through this difficult time with kindness and openness.
Day 16: Today we pray for the counselors in abortion clinics that they may listen with their hearts and offer wise guidance.
Day 17: Today we pray for increased financial support for low income women to access contraception, abortion, and childcare.
Day 18: Today we pray for all the staff at abortion clinics around the nation. May they be daily confirmed in the sacred care that they offer women.
Day 19: Today we pray for all pregnant women. May they be surrounded by loving voices.
Day 20: Today we pray for the families of yesteryear who still mourn the loss of their mothers, sisters, and aunts due to illegal abortion.
Day 21: Today we pray for women in developing nations, that they may know the power of self-determination. May they have access to employment, education, birth control, and abortion.
Day 22: Today we pray for an end to all violence against abortion providers.
Day 23: Today we give thanks for the strong women in our lives who have given us examples of good decision-making.
Day 24: Today we pray for an end to hateful language that diminishes the dignity of women.
Day 25: Today we pray for women who have been made afraid of their own power by their religion. May they learn to reject fear and live bravely.
Day 26: Today we give thanks for the intelligence, talent, wit, and wisdom of all the women and girls in our lives.
Day 27: Today we give thanks for abortion providers around the nation whose concern for women is the driving force in their lives.
Day 28: Today we pray for the women who travel hundreds of miles to get an abortion. May their determination be rewarded with spiritual strength.
Day 29: Today we pray that all women will know that they are created in the image of God, good and holy, moral and wise.
Day 30: Today we pray for women to throw away their secrets and claim their histories with power and truth.
Day 31: Today we pray for all discrimination against women to cease.
Day 32: Today we pray for an end to the stigma perpetrated against women who have abortions.
Day 33: Today we offer a prayer of remembrance for abortion providers who lost their lives because of their commitment to women.
Day 34: Today we give thanks for abortion escorts who guide women safely through the hostile gauntlets of protesters.
Day 35: Today we pray for girls everywhere, that they may have every opportunity for education, sport, health, art, and vocation.
Day 36: Today we pray for the families we’ve chosen. May they know the blessing of choice.
Day 37: Today we pray for women to claim their equality and demand their rights as citizens.
Day 38: Today we pray for a cloud of gentleness to surround every abortion facility. May everyone feel calm and loving.
Day 39: Today we pray for a contagious love to overflow from our spirits.
Day 40: Today we give thanks and celebrate that abortion is still safe and legal.

And I’ll tell you all about it, too.

My friend Megan (love that girl!) wanted to send me some love in the mail.  But she wanted it to be a surprise.  So she put together a care package with all sorts of special things that she picked out just for me, and she mailed it out to me, Corey Waters.  In Virginia.

Turns out there’s more than one Corey Waters in Virginia.

And she picked the wrong one.

Whoopsie!

So today, this other Corey Waters (who happens to be male) received this wonderful package from my lovely friend and he called her up and was like.. Hello?  What the hell?

And she apologized profusely and explained her mistake, and he seemed very cool about it, and so she told him that she would like to send him some money, and would he be willing to forward the package on to me?

And he said, Uh. No. And she was confused, and explained that she was going to PAY for the shipping and she would send the label all made out and all he had to do was take it to the post office.  And he said, no, he wasn’t going to do that.

The end.

So.  SOMEWHERE in Virginia tonight, SOME Corey Waters is sitting and drinking GOOD coffee and eating dark chocolate and tearing up over a sweet card from my good friend and reading a book about how it sometimes sucks to be a mom while he wears my new pink running socks on his oversized feet.

BUT IT AIN’T ME!

(UPDATED TO ADD:  Corey Waters IS a jerk.  However.  Please do not look him up and send him hate mail.  Because while he may deserve it, he still has Megan’s address and we don’t want him to be MORE of a jerk than he has already been.)

I can’t change everything about myself at one time.  If I attempt too much at once, I am bound to fail.  So my strategy was, change one tiny thing at a time.  I tried to maintain each thing for at least a week before I added anything else.  I started with small things.  Drink 8 glasses of water a day.  (Ok, this was a big one.  Have you ever tried to drink 8 glasses of water a day?  It was summertime; that helped.)  Take a daily multi-vitamin.  Exercise 3x/week for a month.  No eating after 7 p.m.

I also tried to frame these things in my mind as gifts to myself.  If I thought of them as restrictions, or requirements.. they became chores.  But really, they were to make my life better.  They were to improve my health and well-being.  They were gifts.  And at the time, I was living with Daniel, and my life was a living hell (comparatively, life with Vivi is a picnic), and NO ONE gave me gifts.. I didn’t even have you guys for support, so giving myself a gift was the best I could do.

I still work on gifts of the week.  I don’t write them out as structured as I used to.  (I used to keep a separate fitness blog.)  And sometimes I fall off the wagon a little bit.  But they are always there in the back of my mind.  I tend to think of my gifts in terms of fitness.. but you can make yours spiritual (spending time in meditation, prayer, reading the Bible, journaling, going to church) or self-care (like saying NO to some of the 10,000 obligations that we women get ourselves signed up for, or taking 10 minutes to read something not related to our children’s disorders, or HELL, even taking 5 minutes to go to the bathroom ALONE!), or whatever you need.

My recent gifts have been:

-getting my running back on track since Orlando (a challenge)

-getting my long runs lined up so I feel ready for the half-marathon on 4/17

-using EA Active & Wii Fit as my supplementary workouts to add some variety and not get bored

-green smoothies (fruit, yogurt, milk, flax seed, wheat germ, protein powder only cuz I had some and want to use it up, and.. get this.. SPINACH.  Seriously. This was Crunchy Christine’s influence and I was SERIOUSLY skeptical because I am not that kind of girl.. but you cannot even taste the spinach! AND!  It tastes good!)

-getting to bed by 9:30.  I am SOOOOO much more human when I do.

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What gift(s) can you give yourself this week?

It had not been a good morning.  WildGirl had started to throw a fit, and I had literally picked her up and carried her outside to deal with her, in an attempt to keep her from waking Daddy.  In the 60 seconds before I realized I had left Vivi unattended, she opened the pantry, stole candy, ate it, and tried to flush the wrapper down the toilet.  When I confronted her about it, SHE raged for a good 45 minutes to an hour, (I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!) waking Daddy, who was already stressed about work and was frustrated by the amount of raging that had occurred over the last 3 days, and added his own voice to the chorus.  This ratcheted up my stress level.. I understand his frustration completely, because I have also had it with the screaming (and all other BAD and/or RAD behaviors around here) but there’s not a thing I can do about any of them, and given that I’m the SAHM, I’m the one that has to deal with all of their crapola all the time! What I wouldn’t give for the chance to go to work every day and get away from these lunatics!

Anyway, I got to that point in the run where it’s really not fun and I’d really rather not be doing it, and everything hurts, and my stomach was rebelling, and I thought about all the times that I’ve said, Even if I could go back in time and change things, I would still adopt this sibling group (that had the 2 RAD kids in it)… and I thought, NO, I WOULDN’T.

I am tired.  I am TIRED.  I’m tired of loving kids that don’t love me back.  I’m tired of being stolen from.  I’m tired of kids whose only pleasure is in trying to piss me off.  I’m tired of feeling angry all the time.  I’m tired of working so hard for this kid.  I’m tired of feeling like there is no way out.  I’m tired of feeling like I can’t praise her because she will act out, I can’t say anything negative to her or she will act out, that all I can do is ignore her.. that all she responds positively to is being ignored!  I’m tired of watching her hug Daddy and be nice to Daddy (even though I know it’s false and she feels nothing for him, either) when I’m the parent that puts all the work into her.  I’m tired of having to go out in public and pretend that I’m not embarrassed by her hair being a train wreck or body being stinky because she wants people to think I’m a bad mother.  I’m tired of this kid who screams “YOU’RE HURTING ME!” when I’m not touching her, so that my other kids wonder if I am.  I’m tired of worrying that the neighbors will call the police because of her screaming.  I’m tired of waiting for her to make a false allegation of abuse to someone.  I’m tired of being lied to.  I’m tired of the good days, because they make me feel like she CAN make good choices and that she is CHOOSING not to on the bad days.  I’m tired of trying to figure her out.  I’m tired of not being able to believe a single word that comes out of her mouth.  I’m tired of talking about RAD.  I’m tired of having to watch her behavior every second of the day.  I’m tired of trying to figure out what’s triggering her all the time.  I’m tired of not being able to wake up and look forward to my day.  I’m tired of not laughing with my kid.  I’m tired of feeling angry with other people because their kids don’t have RAD so they don’t get it.  I’m tired of grieving my old life.   I’m tired of feeling tired.

And really, do I wish I hadn’t adopted these kids?  I don’t know.  It is a moot point.  We did.  There IS no going back, so it’s a stupid question anyhow.  All I know is that THIS IS HARD.  This is REALLY, REALLY hard.  And I know that I’m not saying anything that those of you that are doing this too don’t already know.  Fuck.  Maybe I’m just saying it because I know that when somebody else says it; when somebody else acknowledges that THIS REALLY SUCKS!!!… it makes me feel better.  So I’m calling a spade a spade, y’all:

THIS REALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

You know, back in my OLD LIFE, I used to hang out and homeschool my one totally easy, brilliant kid, and at 4:00 EVERY DAY, I used to watch Oprah.  And I was totally self-absorbed and focused on that one kid who was the center of our universe and we did what we wanted when we wanted and we went out to dinner all the time and we traveled and we could go on dates… and yes, I remember feeling kind of bored and a little “is this all there is?”… but MAN!

I feel like all I do around here right now is complain, and I apologize for that.  I have got to find my joy again.  I cannot let these kids steal it from me.

Tomorrow will be better.

This is somewhat significant.  I have not found a church that is a good “fit” since we moved here last June.  Maybe I am too picky.  Or maybe I just don’t fit in well here.  I don’t know.  But I have tried many churches in the area.  I try, then something bothers me, and I quit going for a good long time.  Then I muster my courage and try another, and something does not work out, and I quit.  And the pattern repeats.

I should say that I *like* going to church.  I like when the music is good.  I generally sit in the back, because the music, when done “right,” brings me to tears every time, and I just sit and cry, but I find this both cathartic and renewing.  Much of Christian music has very strong messages, I think, and I need to hear them, over and over and over again.  Probably half of the music on my iPod (for when I’m running) is Christian music.

My kids *love* going to church, and they, more than anything else, really push me to keep trying to find a church, when I would just give up.

The thing that always trips me up is, of course, the sermon.  This is where you’re going to get into the real “meat and potatoes” of what a church believes and espouses.   There are some places where I know right off the bat that I am not going to make it.  I have some strong opinions.  (You might think you know that about me.. but really, I hold back pretty well around here!)

Anyway.  Today the pastor was talking about healing, and miracles, and levels of faith, and asking God for what you wanted, and believing that God would deliver.  And next thing you know, (I swear this is all true), he said that if you got cancer (for example), that you could ask God to take your cancer from you, and that IF YOU BELIEVED, if you had FAITH that God would take that cancer from you, that you would be healed.  And that (I can’t even type this out without getting all riled up again) when people were NOT healed, it was because they did not want to be.  Or because they were doubters.  Because they *hoped* God would heal them, but they did not have faith.

Now this pastor was pulling Scripture from all over the New Testament to support what he had to say, and I sat there and thought, he cannot be serious.  And even if he believes what he is saying, what about children?  What about infants and toddlers with cancer and terminal illnesses?  How does he explain this?

Well.  It’s their parents’ fault.  Because they do not have faith that God will heal their children.

I just do NOT believe that.  This is more “Blame the Mother BS”… I have heard it from my RAD children’s schools, from mental health professionals, from other parents.. now I’ve got to hear it from a pastor, too?  N-O.

I do NOT accept responsibility for my child being sick.  She is not sick because I haven’t asked God to heal her, or because I don’t believe that God *can* heal her.  I believe that God CAN heal her.  But I don’t believe that God a) works on my timetable (that would be pretty presumptuous.. He is Big Ol’ God, and I’m Little Ol’ Corey Waters, and He’s going to Hop To It because I want my kid healed NOW?  Right), b) answers every prayer with YES .   I think the one thing that I have had to come to terms with in this adoption journey is that I have got to trust that God has a plan.  That I DO.NOT.KNOW. or UNDERSTAND what that plan IS.  But that I have to trust that there IS one.

Not only do I think that this pastor is dead wrong in his teaching, but I think that he sets people up for spiritual crisis.  Sooner or later, most people are going to face (either personally or someone in their close family) a serious illness, addiction, or situation, that cannot be resolved fully without Divine Intervention.   What is going to happen when those people get on their knees and pray like they have never prayed before.. and their mother’s dementia still progresses?  Or their sister still dies of breast cancer? Or their husband still dies of cancer?  Or they still can’t conceive a baby?  Or their friend still dies in a car accident?  Or their child still has RAD?

They either blame themselves, because they did not have faith in God’s healing, and they leave their church, because, as the pastor said today, this is not a place for doubters, this is a place for the faithful!

Or they blame God, and they turn their backs on Him.

A long time ago, I thought that if a teacher said it, if a doctor said it, if a pastor said it, if you read it in a book, it had to be true.

The older I get, the more I question everything.

(I’m probably fairly annoying to live with.  The man’s stuck with me at this point.)

On a positive note, I did hear this song in church today, which I had never heard before and loved, so it wasn’t all bad.  Enjoy.

Give it a read and tell me your thoughts.

After searching far and wide for lgbt sites that were geared for families (not dating) and finding them sorely lacking. Aleia decided to start her own! You go, girl!